Those who wonder often gets lost

They tell you go out and find yourself,
but what they keep it to themselves is,
In the process of finding,
you first have to lose yourself,
and it includes a lot more than you expected,
first your identity and beliefs you had about yourself,
then the loved ones – you were too reluctant to ever let go of,
Letting go – is an art that you must master,
For life requires you to move on – everyday,
Being rubbed continuously by life,
Like a snake trying to shed its skin,
Showing up everybody because no other choice,
my intelligence being marked by my ability to change,
soaking up as much as I can,
still being recalled of a loser I am,
Now as I deduce my accomplishments,
Its hard to keep up with the new world,
I fail to understand,
whether I am healing or hurting,
But the show must go on,
Those who choose to leave can’t be stopped by,
it doesn’t matters whether you beg or cry,
As I look at every smiling face,
I fail to distinguish,
between my friends and foes,
I just silently whisper to myself,
every passing day I have to stand on my toes,
no matter if there is someone standing behind me or no,
Even on days when I look back,
When I find no one and I abhor my existence,
I keep reassuring,
God will never leave you alone.

Smile

Calm down. don’t frown,

or else you will drown,

Be on your toes,

I promise, you’re close,

I know it all feels crazy,

when everyone has something to say

and quitting seems like the easiest way,

In all this, don’t you dare to doubt,

Smile, breathe in breathe out,

Its hard, I know I admit,

In most places, you don’t fit,

Converse- complement- show interest,

Spend time alone – you must,

Its okay if your words don’t rhyme,

not every hour is supposed to be a prime,

Just take one day at a time.

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Stuck

Maybe its the shadow speaking,

or the devil whispering,

one step forward,

two steps backward,

Dont know whether I came out of hell,

or I am dragging myself to hell,

The path never gets easy,

I feel like I am stuck,

or I just ran out of luck,

Heaven or hell, I cant choose,

Feels like I am destined to lose.

Before you curse life

I woke up today with blood in my pants, I was constipated and bloated for previous few days. I felt like it was piles. I wanted to go rush to mom, and tell her, “mom the deadly disease that entire family had also got me in its arms”. But instead of a knee-jerk reaction, I wore a pad, maybe its my period? The due date is around.

To my relief, my doubt was short-lived and I realized it was my period, not piles.

But that time, from one washroom visit till another, I felt all that a person with any herited physical or psychological disease feels like.

Suddenly the invisible pressure that so many in my family felt, I felt it around me. I felt unprotected and vulnerable. Never had I thought it could get to me? Like I was immune or something! And in a moment, my pedestal broke. Do you see all those people suffering? we could have been among that. We didn’t do anything special to get a privilege to be born normally.

Don’t get me wrong. Complaining is fine, Life is hard. But constantly viewing it from a single perspective sometimes make us pity our own life. If you are finding a battle that few or almost no one knows about, I am here to tell you, you are not alone.

You constantly compare yourself with the richer guy in neighborhood, smartest guy in class but have you ever compared yourself to someone who is not privileged as you? No, I don’t want to preach that you’re ungrateful or snob but its human to get too lost in our mini problems net that we forget the bigger picture.

If you are reading this, I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about all those people who are in hospitals, bed ridden, wanting to just get up from bed once so they can live the life that you’re thinking to end.

I don’t deny the fact that you don’t have difficulties, pressures and problems. But I want you to realize the fact that it could have been worse too. And if you are better than so many in your surroundings don’t forget to cherish it before its gone! ❤

Loads of love.

Turning the page..

Hurry up! I hear my 21 years old speaking to that confused 17 years old teenager.

Its time to let go.

Letting go? Oh you mean Giving up? Like Quitting? Like an unfinished business? Something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Please.. once more? I promise last time! I will give my best 100% this time!

Okay, Hold on for a sec. Pause. Reflect, “Is it really worth it?”

Will it still bring you the same joy as you think it will? In the long run?

Do you remember the candy you loved in your childhood, always adored, but sadly couldn’t get it, You grew up dreaming about it. How beautiful it would have been if you had gotten that candy? Oh it would have been probably the most delicious candy! After all, you spent your entire childhood dreaming of it. Yes, you respect and adore all the candy-makers. But that candy? Oh that’s unbeatable,

And one fine day you actually get that candy,

But, to your dismay, Blah,, It was just Okay! Not really that worth it.

I don’t say the candy was not delicious. But it wasn’t that delicious that you had to spend years chasing it.

The romantic feelings and fantasies you created were the façade of perfection you kept building

You didn’t even realize how it got onto the pedestal.

Now the train is here and its time for departure. If you miss this again. There will be probably no train coming any sooner. And its getting dark!

Refusal to resign maybe comes natural to you or is something deeply inculcated into your blood. You can feel it right?

Ask yourself, Okay you might get it and you might enjoy it and it might be an unforgettable experience. But it will end. It surely will. You can’t deny!

Then what will happen? Will the end result be as gratifying as you imagined?

Have the courage to release so that you can heal and finally bloom into something you never imagined. Give yourself the permission to re-live and re-explore. Give yourself the privilege to choose. Don’t let your 17 years old child version dictate the 27 years old version of you.

Sadly it wont be possible with guilt and shame. You have to let it all go. Gradually and calmly unzip the bag of all the stones you gathered all your life as diamonds and release them into the deep blue water.

Letting go takes as much courage as holding back. No you are not a loser, quitter or a coward! Taking practical decisions is not a sin. Evolving is not a sin and you are not a sinner!

Dedicated to all those who tried, failed, won and to all those who tried, failed and had the courage to let it go.

The book your life doesn’t comes with an eraser, but turning to next page is always an option.

Sometimes, nothing is better than something

You have always heard the opposite right? But let me tell you a real shit. Sometimes, nothing is better than something. Imagine a scenario where you have been asked to wear high heels for a whole day. To the world it might appear that you are so courageous, infact lucky to afford heels or your feet look so beautiful. But only you know the pain you endure. Why? Hell not to make yourself happy. Instead, to please others, to maintain the self image you have built up over the time. Now let’s get to a practical example, some of us have friends which are not real, not loyal, not faithful but still keep serving them just because we are scared to be alone, or we are scared what people will think about us? Anti social? Loner? It would have been thousand times better if you have used that time to learn some new skill or excel in your academic life maybe? Some of us don’t have parents and we look at others with this awe, what if my mom or dad had been alive too? But you don’t know sometimes not having parents is better than having parents that are toxic for your mental health. There are thousands of kids who suffer from parental abuse which they can’t even talk about. Girls having their dreams shattered by their own fathers, constantly criticizing mothers etc. Sometimes its better to be accept a label of divorcee than living with a husband that beats you behind the closed doors. Its better to have a plain ground rather than a garden full of thorns. Sometimes its better to keep striving with an empty pocket rather than settling down for something ordinary. Wherever you are in your life, if you have nothing right now, one day if you kept struggling, you will have everything rather than just “something”.

Residing in hell.

Have you ever felt that the life itself feels like a punishment? Daily chores become a burden for you? All you want is a PERMANENT ESCAPE from your daily grind. Like you are in such a toxic environment where you can’t avoid it?

Where you wish that you had a magic lamp or wand and can once in all change the environment and get rid of this nasty aura and these selfish people.

Let me quote a life incident of my own.There was a time in my life when i just gave up.The famous school which i was attending was totally opposite of what i dreamed of. The friends i had were all not my type of people but still i couldn’t distance myself from them. I was always late in classes. bunking some, sleeping in some or scrolling Instagram in some.My scores were falling.Teachers were unhappy, calling me after class,asking me what’s wrong with me? not doing my assignments, not returning library books on time.

Furthermore coming home after school, locking myself in room, after lunch and tea i would listen to some sad piano on YouTube until i fall asleep in the same room. and after dinner i would sleep again. Mostly i was using sleep as a source of avoidance.

Soon i realized that my whole life is falling apart. and that is where i analyzed situation critically and did something i am still thankful to myself.

I started getting up early, doing workout, making my own breakfast, enjoying my meal with some light tv-series and then properly dressed to school with some new hairstyles. I started writing lectures. left the shitty company of people who were no longer serving me, i started using class breaks more effectively, doing all my assignments and home work. Started asking questions, coming home, i started having lunch and dinner on dining table. Stopped caffeine intake. Started making hobbies for myself like learning guitar and graphic designing. Searched for events in my city, attended them with mom.and then journalling effectively and sleeping on time.

OUT COME: My health started improving. I was no longer drowsy in classes. My focus and attention span got increased. I got a part time job as a content writer through LinkedIn.My grades started improving.Brighter students started to approach me in school for helping them in their assignments.My friends circle expanded.I became more happy than i was pretending on my Instagram feed.

HOW? Now the major question arises what happened that suddenly changed my actions and hence the outcome. it was all A SINGLE THOUGHT i realized that this is a life that has been given to me. I have made some mistakes and now there is this whole debris of regrets on my shoulders.There was NO light at the end of this tunnel at that moment. No option to exit. I had to spend 2 years of my life no matter how much i cry or try, but now the choice was in my hands, whether i could spend those two years of my life sitting there, wailing on the couch, doing absolutely nothing OR i could take charge of my happiness because even though i couldn’t change my school but i was able to make small changes in my lifestyle and that lead to a happy time.

See, sometimes the hell we are in is unavoidable. We have to live there no matter what. Now you have to find some light in this darkness. Do something. One step at a time and i promise you the fires of hell will stop burning you.