Too injured to walk to you

In my arrogance, I went a little too far,
I held the hand of the stranger,
He stabbed me right in the middle,
now I am somewhere in the forest and its a little too dark,
I don’t know the way back home,
The bushes are too thick and the wind is cold,
where every single person passes by,
I am unable to speak of the pain,
trying to hold the heart that is leaking,
the blood exudes continuously without a pause,
my hand fails to stop the dripping blood,
I wonder which way to go and get it stitched,
This time I am too injured to walk to you,
So I sit there patiently and wait for the dawn to creep,
Can you please come and bring me home?
– I am sorry.

Those who wonder often gets lost

They tell you go out and find yourself,
but what they keep it to themselves is,
In the process of finding,
you first have to lose yourself,
and it includes a lot more than you expected,
first your identity and beliefs you had about yourself,
then the loved ones – you were too reluctant to ever let go of,
Letting go – is an art that you must master,
For life requires you to move on – everyday,
Being rubbed continuously by life,
Like a snake trying to shed its skin,
Showing up everybody because no other choice,
my intelligence being marked by my ability to change,
soaking up as much as I can,
still being recalled of a loser I am,
Now as I deduce my accomplishments,
Its hard to keep up with the new world,
I fail to understand,
whether I am healing or hurting,
But the show must go on,
Those who choose to leave can’t be stopped by,
it doesn’t matters whether you beg or cry,
As I look at every smiling face,
I fail to distinguish,
between my friends and foes,
I just silently whisper to myself,
every passing day I have to stand on my toes,
no matter if there is someone standing behind me or no,
Even on days when I look back,
When I find no one and I abhor my existence,
I keep reassuring,
God will never leave you alone.

With you, heaven was hell and flowers were thorns

You surely cared but you didn’t love

For love requires patience and trust

You scraped me and squeezed the life out of me,

Still I couldn’t meet the standards of your perfection,

My every mistake was labelled as a sin,

The authority in your voice,

Made me doubt my own choice

You took all the colors out of me

Because you wanted me black & white

Waking up in the middle of nights,

Tring to resolve all the fights,

Our relationship was defined by rules made by you

What I was going through — you had no clue

Relations don’t work based on fear

Conditions don’t bring people near,

You give me a list of do’s and don’ts

I tried to follow I promise,

But I am faulty, I am novice.

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Stuck

Maybe its the shadow speaking,

or the devil whispering,

one step forward,

two steps backward,

Dont know whether I came out of hell,

or I am dragging myself to hell,

The path never gets easy,

I feel like I am stuck,

or I just ran out of luck,

Heaven or hell, I cant choose,

Feels like I am destined to lose.

Shelter to my Sky.

It’s embarrassing that I left,

Now that I come back,

He is still there,

I cannot see him in the eye,

The shame and guilt prevails me

I left him for so many else,

Others, they came and went by,

He still didn’t let go of me,

I don’t deserve someone like Him,

I apologize, even though I know,

I still can’t let go of all my sins,

He was there, in the rain,

Holding the umbrella while I kept roaming around,

I sought comfort in every corner,

While He kept being the shelter to my sky,

I am so grateful for His presence,

Yet I am so regretful for my absence,

If I were Him, I would have never looked at me.

The possibilities of “Can”..

The thing that I hated the most in life was uncertainty. Uncertainty is not knowing whether tomorrow can be the best day of your life or the worst day of your life. Uncertainty is making peace with the fact that the next bus on the stop can be either 10 seconds late or 10 minutes late. Uncertainty is not knowing in a class full of people who is going to be your best friend. Uncertainty is not knowing who’s going to be your life partner in a world full of strangers. Uncertainty is not knowing what you’re gonna do after your graduation.

Haha, seems like I have over-defined uncertainty. Still, I am uncertain about the way you’re thinking reading this.

Some days it feels like everything is going perfect and life is beautiful. I have friends and a family. People love me.

Some days it feels like my life is falling apart, I am a loser. My friends and family are not mine. They don’t really love me

Sometimes I think both of these notions are wrong. Maybe the truth lies somewhere in middle. 22 years later in this world, I am still unable to figure it out.

I look at my life and I am better than some and worst than some. Don’t know what to call myself a loser or a winner? life is so uncertain at this point and I guess you never get to be so certain in life and this is what life is.

The lover you worship can betray you, The best friend can ditch you, The set of parents can die, The expensive device can get damaged, The precious jewels can be stolen, The health you tend to ignore can be gone and It all can happen in a brief moment. Its not that I am not scared but I am afraid and still determined to at least try to make the most. Just by worrying a little less, everyday. As they say,

Life is about taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.

The reason why I smile..

A lot of people use humor as an edge to break the ice, and I won’t lie I have been doing this for a very long time and now I have realized it doesn’t work in the long term. Atleast not for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love humor, I enjoy the company of humorous people the most but that’s not the case for everyone.

My observation has taught me people who are humorous are taken as non-serious. People subconsciously assume that humorous people are like clowns and forget that clowns have feelings too.

Your work, your talent, your skills, your feelings all get disregarded when you use humor frequently.

There is a difference between being humorous and funny vs having a RBF.

The reason why you meet me and I smile is not because I am not having any difficulty in my life or its all hunky-dory, Its because, smile is also an act of Sunnah (the act of Prophet Muhammad).

Faking means when I mask it up. My intention for smiling is neither to mask nor to reveal. I appreciate the presence. My presence and sometimes yours as well.

RBF is v.common now a days. Having a rest bitch face is the cold attitude shown regardless of the circumstances. Its also done to keep other people in their boundaries and to avoid drama. I understand that nobody born in the world came with a RBF, its the world that made people bitter.

IDK, if you are reading this, whether you deal with people with an RBF, a lot of humor, or maybe maturity with a smile. I love you regardless of attitude you show.

Neither life nor death wants me

Neither life nor death wants me
Dear God, the thought of losing you haunts me,
I am so sinful I can’t face you
In the long list of sins, unsure how to place you?
Tears flowing from my eyes
Haha, Me and my ugly lies,
I am a hypocrite, in and out,
You are merciful, there is no doubt,
My intentions and actions don’t align,
Day by day my character seems to decline,
Who needs enemies or devil?
Its my own Nafs that is evil
I looked at myself in the mirror,
I got scared, I became what I feared.
Dear God, the thought of losing you haunts me
Neither life nor death wants me….

The Wanderer and a listener

I am a wanderer
Wandering for my soul
Lost in myself
Entangled in full moon
Drowned in daylight
Soaked in sorrows
Waiting
For a wave To be taken away,
For a messiah, To be elevated
He loves but vague
So he goes and goes around

Listener:

The wonderer assures the silent listener
But maybe it’s mere acts
The silent listener is stupid
He always consider them facts
After every obstacle, listener reminds himself wanderers don’t stay
They simply act and play
Because to wanderers, every listener is simply a toy of clay
Today you, tomorrow someone else.
Because
For wonderers, the passage is never empty, always dense.
Wonderer is coward, he hides and runs away from his post
Its always the listener who suffers the most..

Before you curse life

I woke up today with blood in my pants, I was constipated and bloated for previous few days. I felt like it was piles. I wanted to go rush to mom, and tell her, “mom the deadly disease that entire family had also got me in its arms”. But instead of a knee-jerk reaction, I wore a pad, maybe its my period? The due date is around.

To my relief, my doubt was short-lived and I realized it was my period, not piles.

But that time, from one washroom visit till another, I felt all that a person with any herited physical or psychological disease feels like.

Suddenly the invisible pressure that so many in my family felt, I felt it around me. I felt unprotected and vulnerable. Never had I thought it could get to me? Like I was immune or something! And in a moment, my pedestal broke. Do you see all those people suffering? we could have been among that. We didn’t do anything special to get a privilege to be born normally.

Don’t get me wrong. Complaining is fine, Life is hard. But constantly viewing it from a single perspective sometimes make us pity our own life. If you are finding a battle that few or almost no one knows about, I am here to tell you, you are not alone.

You constantly compare yourself with the richer guy in neighborhood, smartest guy in class but have you ever compared yourself to someone who is not privileged as you? No, I don’t want to preach that you’re ungrateful or snob but its human to get too lost in our mini problems net that we forget the bigger picture.

If you are reading this, I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about all those people who are in hospitals, bed ridden, wanting to just get up from bed once so they can live the life that you’re thinking to end.

I don’t deny the fact that you don’t have difficulties, pressures and problems. But I want you to realize the fact that it could have been worse too. And if you are better than so many in your surroundings don’t forget to cherish it before its gone! ❤

Loads of love.

It will be too late and too long..

The stupid panadol doesnot makes sense at all,

My friend have stopped answering my call,

Its an end, no more shopping haul,

My so called friends stabbed me in the back,

Now I have decided to leave, ready to pack,

With lessons in my fragile heart, stupid brain,

All the time i spent pleasing them, went to drain.

Now I just cry in agony, weep in pain

Don’t cry baby, they don’t deserve your tears,

Lesson learnt, never tell anyone your fears,

They will eat you up, beat you down,

After all, for them, it was just about the crown.

Life isn’t a competition but people compete,

That’s why they tell to always stay on your feet,

Come on baby, Don’t cry, Don’t frown,

Kneel down and pick your crown.

We gotta fight back and prove them wrong,

One day they will miss but it will be too long.